I've actually had a blog commission about something serious. I thought about it all night, because the purpose of this blog is more to entertain and convince myself I can still tell stories. I'm still one of those people who doesn't think the internet is a good forum for serious things, or for regular people to be serious in. If your job is to write articles about serious things and then post them on the internet, that's good. If your job is to use your vast expertise on a serious subject to publish literature and philosophy about that subject, that's good. If your job is to give cash to crack addicts at a scrapyard, maybe you should keep your ineloquent and often incendiary opinions to your nightly one-way conversations with the news anchors on TV.
In lieu of my own opinions I usually post to facebook well written articles I agree with, who explain my stance with clarity and usually have about 9 or 10 relevant, current sources to back up all the wonderful facts and quotes they use to make their point. I don't have time for that. Actually, I do, but forgive me for not wanting to write another research paper without a grade to look forward to, or a commission check. The actual work of writing about serious topics should be left to people who, due to deadlines, audiences, and expectations of quality, are willing to put in the work to make it as intelligent, impartial, and reportive as possible. Absolutely - their bias will show through. It always does. No one is impartial. But with the right amount of effort and time, a serious, important topic can be written about and posted to the internet in a useful, informative, and thoughtful manner.
That said, I would like to take this opportunity to disclaim the following post: I am about to write a blog about abortion.
1. I will not be quoting sources.
2. I will not be getting paid.
3. I have no exact dates, names, or facts of any kind.
4. I am not interested in hearing any opinion that differs from mine, because I am a blogger and I have no obligation to be fair and balanced. I admit it.
Usually, and unfortunately, regular everyday everyweek typical bloggers like myself do not have the pressures that will yield a great, or even good, article. Nope, the only pressures most bloggers have are the 10 minute countdown til their World of Warcraft character respawns and the 4 minutes left on the microwave. We bloggers have absolutely no obligation to say anything good or of value. In fact, we can say whatever we goddamn well please, because this is 'merica and there's laws about freedom of speech. Every human being has an orifice which, constitutionally, is absolutely free of all outside governing except what happens in your own little brain.
How nice.
Everybody's got a mouth, and mouths are so great. It's in my top 5 body parts. And how lucky are we, that everyone in this country can say whatever they want and be protected by the constitution? What a gift. To be able to govern your own thinking. No one is ever, ever going to take that away from us. People have tried, and there can be consequences for saying certain things, and slander is a big to-do, but everybody's mouth is pretty much sacred. And your mouth is so special in that it is half your mind and half your body, and even the body part of your mouth is protected in freedom. It's this whole interlaced universe of freedom, MindBodyMouth. You decide what goes in, you decide what comes out, you decide when to close it and open it, and you can even decide if something that initially went in needs to get ejected.
Sometimes, a foreign body does enter yours through your mouth and you didn't mean for it to get there. It happens all the time. Little viruses hitch rides in uncooked meat and lollipops. Sometimes people ingest an entire bottle of pills. Sometimes your body gets rid of it all on its own. Sometimes you can take a medicine and it is forced out. And sometimes you have to go to the doctor and get a procedure to have it removed.
We are so lucky as a society to have a free orifice. Most societies don't even have that.
Wouldn't it be great if MindBodyMouth was applied to the rest of you? Like, MindBodyHand? Well, we have that. Just don't kill anybody. I guess we also have MindBodyFoot, and MindBodyButt, and MindBodyPenis. Man, wouldn't it be just awful if the government took away MindBodyPenis? MindBodyPenis wasn't around until recently, when 'Merica recently decided that homosexuality isn't a punishable crime. But now it's here! Hooray for MindBodyPenis. You decide where it goes, what goes in, what comes out, what to wear on it, and whether or not you want to get it snipped. Thank god for safe, legal, healthy, available, health-care covered vasectomies. I would put MindBodyPenis up there on the list of Great Ideas of the 20th Century.
MindBodyVagina is definitely on the short list of Great Ideas. You decide where it goes, what goes in, and what comes out, what to wear on it, and whether or not you need to get a procedure done to eject a foreign body. Thank god for safe, legal, healthy, available, health-care covered abortions.
OOPS. Just kidding. There is no MindBodyVagina. Sometimes, you can't control what goes in, like when you get raped. And now a lot of people are trying to revoke it and take back the legal part, so it will be illegal and expensive to to get an abortion when a 13 year old girl is raped by her 30 year old uncle.
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2011-01-31/gop-abortion-bill-redefines-rape/?cid=hp%3Amainpromo8
Because what is forced in and gets left there by a rapist is far more sacred than the orifice itself.
Can we talk about clusters of cells for a minute? All things start off as a cluster of unrecognizable cells. Humans start off as a cluster of unrecognizable cells. Sometimes, a woman's body ejects them all on their own, because they are a foreign body. This is called a miscarriage. In the early stages of pregnancy, a woman's body is trying very hard to eject the foreign body that has taken up residence. There is morning sickness, a little vaginal bleeding, and all different kinds of fun gastrointestinal responses. Because one body does not recognize the other, because it is a cluster of unrecognizable cells. Like cancers, and viruses. During this period, when the cells aren't quite sure what they are yet and the body is trying to eject them, legal, safe abortions can happen, just like a lumpectomy or a biopsy.
We can eject all other kinds of clusters of cells, but not these kinds. Because religious people think they have souls.
****STAND BY FOR MY OPINION*****
They don't. They don't have souls. They don't have heartbeats. They have potential in the same way a bunch of rogue cells in your brain can become a tumor. Right now, women can decide to allow these cells to grow into a human, and get a heartbeat and a brain, or they can decide to eject the cluster of cells and go about their business. That's their decision. They have MindBodyVagina*, which allows them to make decisions but not without a lot of extra input from every religious wingnut in the world. And by input, I mean clinic bombs, and legislation to redefine rape, and murdered doctors, and huge financial strife.
There will never be a MindBodyPenis*. Nobody is going to shoot a doctor for performing a vasectomy or bomb a hospital for offering the procedure, even though the same potential for life is there and what is a testicle but a massive cluster of cells? But if you need to get rid of the cluster of cells your cousin deposited in your vagina after he fed you a roofie and tied you to the bed, buy some kevlar and cancel your plans. Because you don't have a free orifice.
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