Bed.

Who's got two thumbs and is terrible at blogging? This guy. I mean, really.

I'm buying a bed today. A big one. An EXPENSIVE one. It's the king size Sleep to Live blue 400 series, and with the boxspring, frame and mattress protector it's probably going to be about $2,500.

We worked it out yesterday and decided if we have it for 10 years that's $250 a year, a little less than $20 a month. I am not used to thinking about beds in this way. Wherever I have gone there has either been a bed already there or a bed purchased for me. The things I think about in terms of broken down cashmoney are cars, pants, foods, and gym memberships. Not beds or furniture. I know I'll be laying in this new bed thinking, "all right, I plan on sleeping for seven hours tonight, which will make good use of the 79cents this night is costing me. Well done, frugal-me." Hooray, adulthood.

We didn't plan on buying something so expensive, but here's what happened: there is this one guy who scraps metal who has some kind of special back door relationship with Costco. I don't know what it is, but every now and then he'll bring us danishes or boxes of cookies from costco that no one bought and were in danger of going stale, and he'll have other things from Costco like ripped sweaters or opened boxes of sharpies...and mattresses. Apparently, if a mattress is returned Costco can't re-sell it. I can appreciate this, because who knows what kinds of health hazards happened on that bed before it was returned? For all we know, someone opened that mattress, killed someone else on it, doused it in cocaine and gave it back saying it was uncomfortable. And then replace it with another mattress from somewhere else. It would be a great way to cover your trail.

"Detective Finder!"
"Yes, Apprentice Gumshoe?"
"This mattress is completely clean of all evidence! It's a mystery...we did find a receipt for a mattress purchased at Costco, but that club is so exclusive. We'll never get in with out a club card."
"You'll learn the ropes one day, Gumshoe....let this be your first lesson. Always join the discount clubs-" *whips Costco card out of wallet and throws it onto bed with two fingers*
*gasp* "you're the whole enchilada, Detective Finder."

So this guy came to the yard after going to Costco, and they had given him two mattresses they couldn't sell again- a king and a queen memory foam. He sold them to two of our employees for $100. ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for a memory foam mattress. Despite the danger of crime scene contamination I almost bought the queen but had absolutely no way to get it home. Everybody else who works there has a truck and I have a wimpy (but economical) honda civic, so the only way I was getting that mattress home was by bribing somebody or bungee-cording it to the top of my car and praying it was a police holiday. So I didn't buy it. My friend M was the one who bought it, and the scrapper delivered it directly to his house.

I came home and told CS this story who told me I should have bought it anyway and we'd figure out the rest later (cest la vie) but we got all giddy over mattresses and started looking online to find Sears offering a 50% MLKjr sale (which, I'm sure, is exactly how he would like to be remembered). So we went to Sears and found some eh-so-so mattresses for $600 and aroundabouts and decided to price some mattresses at a store like Sleepy's.

It was either a big mistake or the best idea ever. As soon as we walked in the door we were escorted to a lumbar profiling machine by a salesman named Tom which we laid down onto and discovered I need a firmer mattress and CS needs a not so firm mattress, so Tom led us to a Sleep to Live with two separate coil firmness sides and we fell for it. After that one, no other bed was going to live up. It was about $2,400 more than I wanted to pay for a mattress, now knowing that scrappers can pick them up from Costco and sell them for $100, but whatever. Just money, right?

Tom tried to wheel and deal us to close yesterday but we wouldn't. He was sad because he wasn't going to be in that Sleepy's store today when we said we'd come back, so he wouldn't get our sale. It must be hard to be a salesman. I don't care if you enjoy it. I don't think anyone enjoys it, really. I was a telemarketer for about three weeks and I thought I was going to kill myself. I just hate the sales culture in general. Somehow this entire method of interaction has evolved where the buyer is conditioned to be immediately hostile from the beginning and the seller is conditioned to be immediately....I don't know, sales-y from the beginning. Both of you know what's going on and both of you are determined to come out the winner in the end, and you will fight for it with smiles and handshakes. It's like a placid lake with a raging water tornado right underneath that only now and then disturbs the surface. I don't get it. I even wanted to buy a bed yesterday and still I found myself saying things like "watch him, he's shady, he's a salesman." and "how do you know this bed isn't $100 at some other store?" and "see that smile? he thinks he has you." It's terrible. Tom was a nice guy. I'm sure he loves his grandkids and has a hobby like model airplanes or train sets.

At one time a few years ago my dad wound up in a Honda Dealership four times in a six month span, either to buy himself a new car, my mom a new car, help me buy a new car, or buy another car, and every time the ride there was like prepping for a football game where the losing team was murdered for the crime of failure. "Ok, you gotta go there and act like you don't care, got it? Don't be too interested, or they'll swarm down on you. You gotta pretend like you're not gonna buy - don't say you like this one, or you like that one, just nod and agree to test drive it without giving too much away. He's going to try to swindle us, they all do. Their entire job is to get as much money from you as possible, and we can't let them do that. These guys are jerks. Terrible, terrible people. Just watch me and follow my lead, ok?"

And I'm sitting in the passenger's seat thinking, "Is this necessary? The check is signed, here. We're buying a car today. We are leaving this lot with a new vehicle. I feel like this could be a much more positive experience for all involved." Am I naive to think if I walk up to a salesman and say "hello, I am buying a bed today. I want you to know that. I want to trust you not to screw me on a price or I'll just go to Mattress Discounters and buy a bed over there. Can you show me what you have?" am I naive to think that will work? That that is the way we can do things as a sales culture?

Maybe it is. Maybe it's silly to think we can all be nicer to each other. I saved up enough money last year to make possible the things that need to happen this year, like moving and buying furniture. I think we deserve a luxurious bed, and I don't really care what else is out there. I don't care about the reviews I read online where people were dissatisfied with their beds. After sleeping on it for a night (in a bed that is no comparison for the Sleep to Live), I'm pretty resolved I want this bed, and we're going to go to the other Sleepy's store today where Tom will be working and buy it from him there so he'll get our sale after all, because I think human beings have a responsibility to treat each other civilly, even if it's just some guy trying to sell you something.