Babies.

So, my afternoon just opened up, which is great because now I have lots of time for important things like blogs and laundry and soup. The lady who was supposed to show me an apartment in Columbia called and bailed to take her sick kid to the doctor. I forgave.

We never bought our bed. We did go to the Sleepy's where Tom was supposed to be, but he had called out for some reason so a manager lady was there instead, and she told us a lie, so she ruined my enthusiasm for being nice to salespeople. We had lain down on some other mattresses that weren't so expensive just to explore a little more, and she said if we wanted to buy one of the Simmons Beautyrest mattresses we needed to do it that day, because Simmons ups their prices at the end of January and the same bed we liked today could be $200 more next week. And that's a lie. I don't know anything about Simmons as a company, and I don't know how I know this is a lie, but it is. CS made a good point - products only go down in price over time because they get old and newer models come out. If anything, the price should go down.

That's all well and good. Either way, she chewed up and spit out all my good vibes I was trying to send, so we didn't buy it. Then a week later a full-fledged American Express card showed up in my name with the Sleepy's logo on it. This wasn't one of those cardboard fakes they usually send, with the name Jane Cardholder. It was real. All I had to do was call and I was good to go. I didn't think credit card companies could still do that - I thought the age of real credit cards in solicitations was over with some kind of regulative legislation years ago. I've gotten probably 50 offers from Chase alone in the past 2 years, and it's always the cardboard card. This Sleepy's card was heavy plastic and had my name and all my info as if I'd already signed up. It was a little scary, and creepy, and saddening. I gave you my info, Tom, and you screwed me. Now your little credit card with the little cartoon man in a nightcap is chopped up into 2o pieces and I'll never go to Sleepy's again. Great business plan, fellas. Didn't have to be this way.

I wonder why mattress buying evolved the same way car buying did. Is there any other industry like these two? Where a salesman actually sits you down and tries to romance you with shit like, "Well, I can't go any lower on this price...but sometimes, only sometimes, I can call my regional manager and she'll be able to authorize it." Sometimes, my ass. She'll always authorize it. It's part of the dance.

I can't think of any other things for which you have to boogie around like this. TVs? Not really. I guess because mattresses are supposed to last a long time and so you don't buy as many? Why isn't couch buying this stressful? Or is it? I haven't tried to buy a couch, so I wouldn't know. But everyone of every age needs a mattress, and that's not true for cars. Even the poorest of us will usually have a mattress. Not true for cars. And there are mattresses EVERYWHERE. Most hotel rooms have two a piece! And hotels, more often than not, have no cars at all! One golf cart, if it's lucky! This makes no sense!

I guess I'm glad we don't have a mattress yet. No place to put it, really, and I guess I'd rather not have a warehouse hold a mattress until we are ready for it. Ugh, I never thought I'd be talking so much about mattresses. This is even more tedious than people who can't shut up about their babies. But if I ever get one of those, I probably won't shut up about it, either. In fact, I know I won't. It will be All Babies, All the Time. And really, I don't think people talking about their babies is tedious. I actually love hearing about babies. Over 5 years I've been watching my friend L's twin boys grow up and it's 100% awesome. I do think irresponsible people talking about how many problems they have because they accidentally had babies is tedious. I'm sorry, I don't care that you can't "get your drink on" this weekend. Please change his diaperNOTONMYRUG, jesus christ. Grow up.

That's why I can't watch those Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant shows. They're supposed to be this cultural phenomenon that's so controversial - every single one of them regrets it, and young girls really do need to see how difficult it is. But ohmigawd, I cannot listen to another spoiled bitch tell her girlfriends that her mother is getting on her nerves with all the baby stuff. If Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant had spoiled bitch boot camp after they recovered from delivery, maybe I'd watch it. Those were the BEST Maury shows, weren't they? All that who's-the-father nonsense was just filler between the boot camp shows and the shows where the guest was a drag queen and you had to guess if it was a woman or actually a man. Maury and Ricki Lake did it right. Get the big black guy into the dark fatigues with the pinched-dome military hat and make him scream in their faces until they slinked out of their chair and sulked back to the green room and had to do 50 push ups. And then they had to do one f*cking day of boot camp. One semester, that's what I say. Send these teen moms to one semester of boot camp. It's not like their babies will suffer. Gramma is taking care of the kid for its first year of life either way, so might as well send the teen to a place where she can learn to appreciate all the gold stars and ass-wipings she's gotten for the past 16 years.

We have a few cousins who are having babies right now. My cousin C is having a girl and CS' cousin K is having a boy and their due dates are about 2 months apart, which is so insanely fabulous because at some point in the near future I get to go shopping for baby stuff, and if I see something cute it doesn't matter WHAT gender it's for, I CAN BUY IT. This is full-license, no restrictions, hog heaven baby shopping, people. I'm pretty sure this is what it feels like to win the lottery. And what makes it even better? Neither of the babies are mine. pinch. me.

I mean, someday, sure. But now, while I'm half-employed, homeless and mattressless, I'll stick with the kitty.